In working with many of my clients in my Ballincollig and Midleton clinics one of the main sources of stress in their lives is their relationships with others, be it their own personal lives, their families, friends or work colleagues.
We all learn new skills in our lifetime, but no one sits us down to have a conversation on what is healthy or not so healthy in a relationship. How do we know what it is if we have never experienced it or know what it looks like?
We all relate to one another in different ways. Some people are very independent in relationships, others are dependent, and a number of people are co-dependent (which means they put aside their own well-being and need to maintain a relationship with another).
The healthiest way we can interact with those close to us is by being truly interdependent. This is where two people, both unique individuals and separate in themselves, are involved with each other, but without sacrificing themselves or compromising their values or individual needs. What they have is a balanced relationship, and unfortunately, it is not all that common. But it is attainable with just a little work, awareness and understanding.
A co-dependent person tends to rely heavily on others for their sense of self and well-being. There is no ability for that person to distinguish where they end and their partner begins, there is an entangled sense of responsibility to another person to meet their needs and/or for their partner to meet all of their needs to feel okay about who they are.
When someone is very needy, it can push the relationship into a parent-child type of dynamic. The needy partner can’t seem to do anything without their partner’s presence or approval, and when the person they are dependent upon is not available or not overly responsive it can create arguments and lots of resentment.
Signs of Co-Dependent Relationship
- Poor/no boundaries
- People-pleasing behaviours
- Reactivity /Defensive
- Unhealthy, ineffective communication – passive or aggressive or both.
- Manipulation – guilting or shaming.
- Difficulty with emotional intimacy
- Controlling behaviours
- Blaming each other
- Low self-esteem of one or both partners
- No personal interests or goals outside the relationship
- No personal friends
- Fear of rejection, abandonment or ending.
In a healthy interdepend relationship partners are not overly demanding of one another and they do not look to their partner for feelings of worthiness. This gives each partner space to maintain a sense of self, room to move toward each other in times of need and the freedom to make these decisions without fear of what will happen in the relationship.
Signs of Interdependent Relationship
- Healthy boundaries – have your own space at times.
- Active listening – not just hearing words but also listening for feelings.
- Time for personal interests
- Clear and open communication – it is worse if the other person is in the dark about how you really feel.
- Taking personal responsibility for own behaviours.
- Creating a safe place for each other to be vulnerable and feel supported.
- Engaging and responding to each other
- Healthy self-esteem
- Being open and approachable with each other
Many of my clients who have managed to come out of abusive or unhealthy relationships have a deep fear of ‘making the same mistake again’. So I work with my clients in my Ballincollig and Midleton clinic, firstly on themselves and what is a healthy relationship.
The key to building a healthy interdependent relationship is to be mindful of who you are from the beginning. Many times people are looking for or entering, relationships simply to avoid feeling alone, without any personal consideration of who they are, what they value, what are their needs and their goals for the relationship.
It is important to have time for this kind of personal reflection that allows you to enter a new relationship with an awareness of who you are and what you want. This is critical for the establishment of an interdependent relationship.
Signs of a Healthy Sense of Self
- Knowing what you like and what matters to you
- Not being afraid to ask for what you want
- Spend time with friends and family
- Continue pursuing your personal goals
- Be mindful of your values and needs.
- Make time for hobbies and interests
- Don’t be afraid to say “no”
- Be yourself. Don’t keep yourself small or hidden to please others.
In a healthy relationship, you need to give each other balanced time and energy. When there is too much in one direction it will throw things off. Establishing a habit of interdependence is a great way to ensure that your relationship will have what it needs to grow and strengthen for both of you.